~Darius--Styler

Do you have a life?
Where your actions cant be explained?
Where every day seems to run itself and at the end of the day you wake up to realise the day has past?

I start everyday with the same loud hail from my alarm clock, and when i say alarm clock i actually mean my mobile phone set to "alarm mode". When i finally bring myself to get out of the warmth of the bed, this is when it happens. It is as if my body goes numb, im no longer tired, no longer hungry, no longer worried about getting up to start another day in the life of me.
From here on in, my actions cannot be explained. Whatever i do, it is as if something, someone is controlling me.

After i leave my house i walk down the street past the park, this is the park where a group of teenage Maori's like to hang out as if they have nothing better to do with thier hand-me-down life. No matter how hard they try, thet just cant help but point out the obvious to me. Yes, i am a guy. Yes, i am white skinned. No i was not born before my parents were married, there for i am not a bastard...learn to speak.

I get to town, the small speck of lank tucked in the corner of the Wellington suburb. Its name gives away how small and un-important it is, "Kilbirnie", i shit you not.
At this point i still feel nothing, no cold grabbing my cheeks, no gagging from the car fumes from crapping, wannabe street racer cars who dont know how to tune a car if thier life depended on it.

The Bus, ah yes the bus, the one place on this earth where it is ok for the Human Race to be completely anti-social. No-one speaks unless spoken to. It is as if you know that unless you do better at life you know that you will probably be on this bus everyday for the rest of your life. With this in mind, all you can do is but stare, stare at the world passing by through the standard issue 3mm glass.

University is like a training camp. Training soldiers to stand, to sit, to learn those extra tips in life that will only be usefull to you in life if you succeed. Yes, it is clean and welcoming. Yes, it is very knowledgeable, but it is no different from the rest of the world. You ask someone for help, and if they feel as if they have more aurthority than you, they wont help you because they are "too busy". Sure, too busy, like looking at family photos head librarian of Victoria University Library? Or even looking up which songs you want to illegaly download next, isnt that right IT Support?

The bus trip home is worse that the trip here. Here, the place where my numbness decided to write to the world what is really going on in my head, might as well be talking to a brick wall...

I get home and finally find a little piece of sollitude in my room again, that is, until my annoying flatmate who doesnt bathe or do his laundry until about three week intervals invades my room with his stench and his annoying questions. No! I do no want to play Baldurs Gate 2 with you in your room, because last time i i was Ill from the amount of Spore floating around your room. No! i do not want to let me borrow my laptop which is more up to date than yours so that you can download our internet again in four hours.

Then the Girlfriend gets home. I dont know what it is, but everytime i see her face, i no longer feel numb. Feeling comes back to me and then she asks if ive done the things i had either supposedly said i would do, or the things i was asked. I clearly havent.

Then we go to sleep, even though i love her very much, my girlfriend has an obsession with sex. Obviously sex is good, no arguements there, but sometimes i feel as if i am only pleasing her through the one thing that all christians would kill us for.

I dont know, even now as i am typing this on the University laptops i am still numb. It was my numbness which led me here to the library instead of a lecture hall which i am currently missing.

Ahh well, i guess there is always tomorrow huh?